Lao Tzu said "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be"

I fell in love with Lao Tzu in college and have found his teachings to speak truth to several different chapters in my life. I even strategically place his quotes in my husband's lunch when I think he needs a little push of support.

The quote above strikes me as important in the transition from person to parent. For years, you are an independent version of yourself. A series of defining and redefining self lyrically colors your life for years until one day you become someone's better half. You then become self in relation to the other half.

What happens when you become a parent? At birth, my daughter did not care about my less than winning athletic history. She was not even a bit concerned with what college I attended. My social status had no bearing on what she needed from me. And yet, my social status changed completely with her arrival.

At first, there was excitement and then the truth that life had changed forever began to set in. My husband and I spent much of her first year sharing our feelings regarding how our identities changed with her presence. At first it was such a struggle until one day, we realized that while we didn't have to let go our identities as individuals, we did need to make space for a new identity. Mom and Dad.

We continue to make space to become what we might be.

A couple of days ago, a new father walked into the baby store where I work in my non-doula, non-mommy hours. He immediately apologized for being in a zombie like state and I laughed and said, "you must have just joined the club." His baby was five days old. His wife was at home napping and he was on a mission to improve sleep.

Many dads come in to our store frantically looking for a solution to the "sleep" issue. Here's the thing: Sleep changes when babies come. There are those people who have the miraculous children that sleep through the night from birth but they are few and far between. In fact, I bet they have pretty hungry babies. Newborns have tiny stomachs and their systems wake up them up for a reason. Trust the process.

This is an important lesson that extends beyond sleep. There is no quick and easy solution in life or in parenting. Remain calm. Everything is fluid. The morning after even the hardest night of tears and feedings and diaper explosions, those babies seem to be the cutest they have ever been. It is important to remember that each phase is just that-a phase. Ever passing.

Trust the entire process from those few zombie-like weeks to the joys and challenges that follow.

As a parent, your job is to guide, educate, nurture and love. You cannot force. You will learn this in the toddler years but it is important to note it in the wee hours of infant life.

You will be tired. You will be anxious. You will be more in love than ever before.

You will get through this phase...and the next.

Recently, I read an article about three foreign women sent by the U.N. to assess gender equality. I was not surprised to find their reactions to be less than enthused. In fact, the article states that they were horrified. Horrified. Read it here

My previous posts have discussed the emotion and specifically the guilt ridden moments of my postpartum journey. I am coming to realize how much of that was created by the society we live in. My husband came to the table with his very specific set of expectations surrounding motherhood and marriage and parenting and so did I. Our expectations have been shaped by what we have been taught about parenting either from our own families, friends and this less than family friendly and yet family focused society. How confusing to realize that the common argument of American family values is far from the reality of how America values family and how that relates to gender equality.

When we lived in Prague, I struggled with my limited understanding of gender relations in the country. The Czech Republic seemed to be the perfect country for men, filled with beautiful women, amazing beer and meat and potatoes all day every day. My job search led me to believe that women were relegated to positions as child care workers or administrative assistants. Employment seemed related to beauty, relationship status and age. This was my misguided understanding as I was not involved enough to know where to find the type of gender equality in the workplace that I thought I was accustomed to. 

Travelling abroad is such a valuable experience because not only does it show you new things but it teaches you to view your 'normal' through new eyes. What I learned in Prague is the value placed on the mother and the family. Paid Family leave can be split between parents and lasts for three years. That takes the child up to preschool age which is of course also provided as is healthcare to the entire nation. We found that these practices led to an enriched family life that led many of our Czech friends to leave the city each weekend to travel home to 'willage' to be with family. 

It took me returning to my 'normal' space to realize that my focus on the gender relations as related to employment blinded me from seeing the value of making space for individuals to parent. That in fact, being a mother is normal rather than a challenge to overcome in the workplace. Where I come from, being a woman is a challenge and being a parent is a challenge. Women are marked at work if they have kids. They are marked by their health insurance companies. Parents learn very quickly how hard it is to work with kids and to socialize with kids etc etc. 

But what if it wasn't that way? What would that look like? What needs to happen to make it so?

Of the Seven Deadly Sins

Guilt. A sin my mother often spoke about but one I never fully understood until I was walking through my postpartum journey.

In the moment that the test comes back positive, the mother is born. There is no running, there is no giving up...and also, there is no sleeping. When we found out we were pregnant, there was not a doubt in my mind that we would ride this wave together. As reality set in and I felt a strong pull to return home and my wonderful partner felt the opposite, I began to feel the evil fingertips of guilt. It takes two people to have a child and even if those two people are loving partners excited for what is to come, the feelings of guilt can still do damage.

In the months before our daughter's birth, I carried the guilt of forcing my partner to make the transition to living back in the U.S. To say this was challenging would be the understatement of the century. Between reverse culture shock and balancing the needs and desires of family, we struggled significantly. Not to mention general emotional pregnancy shenanigans. It was so easy to feel guilty for having stripped a man of his dreams and ask him to move.

Let me be clear, my partner is a loving, caring man and I have no doubt that we are partners for life...but I still carried my guilt for a long time. At first it was for forcing the move but soon after our girl was born, my guilt shifted into a feeling of entrapment. It was in those late evenings and early mornings that I felt it most. No sleep for either of us but my partner also had to go to work every day. I felt guilt about the baby crying, guilt about not working, and guilt about not going to the grocery store, and on and on. I felt guilty for bring my daughter into this life of unsettled emotion and cultural imbalance after our return. I offered to set him free on more than one tearful occasion.

I allowed the guilt to render myself useless and my partner would look at me with empty eyes, missing the strong woman with whom he had fallen in love. It took me months of hearing "it took both of you" and reminding me it wasn't the pregnancy or the baby that was the problem. It was the guilt. Finally, I hit my limit of apologizing for every act and walking on eggshells. I was simply exhausted.

The definition of insanity is to keep trying the same thing and expecting different results. The guilt had to go. I had to consciously talk myself out of each guilty thought in order to change the pattern that had developed over the past year. It was hard work and it continues.

As I made my changes, I found that I was not the only mom who battled the sneaky and damaging feelings of postpartum guilt. What was your experience? Did you share it with your partner?

What does the love of a child feel like and when did you first notice it?

That moment after I had exposed of my business to a crowd of strangers and stretched myself beyond belief, the love of my life said "it's Ellington" and he handed me my brand new daughter. As she instinctively crawled up my chest and moved into breastfeeding for the first time, I fell head over heels in love with newest love of my life. I am sure many parents can identify with that feeling of intense love for this new little life.

In those first few weeks, all I did was stare at her and kiss her beautifully round head. Slowly, my hormonal imbalance made its presence known and it was in the moments that E showed her love for me that I was able to manage it. She would coo, she would smile and most importantly (and still practiced today), she would stick her hand on my lips and wait for a kiss. There it was, the small act to remind me to love her. To remind me that every little bit of tenderness was nurturing to her and healing for me.

Having a child can be isolating, especially when you are the first of the friends to enter motherhood. Having a child who loves to show love reminds you of the ultimate gift you have been given in parenting.

If you find yourself in a hormonal quagmire, take a moment, take a breath. Remember that first moment you felt a connection with your baby (either in womb or post birth) and try to connect with their gifts of love toward you. Breathe. Love back.

Today, I had an interesting conversation with a non-mom friend of mine regarding the role of culture in the postpartum experience. She has a friend who struggled significantly post birth and found that her husband and family were unable and unwilling to support her due to a cultural norm that when women become moms they are expected to adapt quickly and never look back. This new mom's experience made me contemplate the impact of culture in the proper acknowledgment and support of postpartum issues.

When we found out we were pregnant, we also found out that three sets of friends were due in the same week. In face, we have had 9 sets of friends have babies in the time since our E was born. I share this fact not only to point out that there may be something in the water in Prague but more because of the 10 of us, our postpartum experience varied dramatically from our counterparts overseas. I will never forget J skyping with his friend right after E was born and he asked his buddy how the experience has been. His friend said "not bad at all considering our mothers move in for the first 40 days and we just rest." J's response? "Yeah, it is definitely not like that here" (Frown).

I suppose it could be possible to have our mothers move in for the first 40 days of life but it is rarely realistic. In fact, my mother was around a lot in those early days but she was always the first to state that it was time for the new family to have time to themselves. While that was appreciated, I can not help but look back at that time and wonder how I would have adapted had I been given those forty days of rest. I also wonder what the impact is on the bond between parent and child. My guess is that the practice of allowing the extended family into those early moments strengthens the village around the child and enriches the new parent experience.

What do you think? What elements of your culture were beneficial to you during your postpartum phase? What elements were the opposite?

What would you change about the place of new mothers in American culture?

Not Quite Right

Two times in the months following my daughter's birth, my midwife and my daughter's pediatrician handed me a 6 question survey to determine if I was struggling with the dreaded postpartum depression. Questions such as:

Do you have violent thoughts about yourself?
Do you have violent thoughts about your baby?
Are you afraid to be alone with your baby? Etc.

Well, no.

So there it was, no postpartum depression. And yet, I was not quite right. I felt I was doing well considering I was getting up each morning and attempting to complete chores. Although, I think my chore completion rate was fairly low. My mother's consistent reminders to exercise were met with disdain but were an indication that I was not myself.

I could not shake the funk as I honestly felt like I was doing a great deal each day, I just could not tell you what I did in a day. In speaking with many other women, it became apparent that I was not alone. We all had experienced the same questions regarding depression but the issue was more like walking in an unpredictable fog.

So, what does one do it this situation? Well, I definitely did not work out. I cried. While crying helps, it did little to keep my partner from questioning how this woman who had always wanted to have children would find this so hard. In fact, he questioned the likelihood of having another child. I do not share this information to paint him in any light other than a good man looking at his wonderful partner and questioning where she had gone.

I didn't have an answer. Those early months were full of "I'm sorry" and "I don't know" and so many tears.

Let me be clear, I wasn't sobbing all day and night and I was able to attend to the needs of my baby but my mind and body were foggy. I certainly could not shake it easily.

Sound familiar? Let's talk.