Heavy heart and tears welled

It has been many moons since writing but the time has come to speak.

One of my best friends recently found out that she was having a girl. Before her official gender reveal, she said to me that she wanted a girl because of the opportunity to guide her daughter to become a strong, empowered and beautiful human.

My friend's words struck me because I want the same for my daughter and it immediately made me consider exactly what I'd done to guide my E on her path. I say to my daughter to follow her heart and have whispered in her ear that she can be whatever she feels the world needs as long as it meets her heart's desire and most importantly, that she encircle her life in compassion. I also whisper a slew of words that reflect ALL of what she is and can be every time a passerby says she is beautiful. Like all things, she IS beautiful and so much more.

Is that enough? Am I on the right track? Does it even matter in this world that struggles with such high levels of hatred, ignorance and imbalance of power?

I want to say yes but current events are really challenging my thought process. How does one raise a strong female being without fear of her becoming the 1 in 6 who will be sexually assaulted in the United States? How do you keep her from being one of 50 gunned down in a space of recreational release? Or in school? At the movies?

Heaven forbid I become one of the mothers who carry their child's last message in their phones. My last memory of her...fear. Unimaginable fear.

Heaven forbid my child be the cause of someone else's grief. I don't know if either would be worse.

Anyone who has ever had a baby or been around a baby knows of their magic. They change us, mold us and love us. Little do they know that the world we welcome them into is not actually safe. We promise to protect them but we can't. We promise to give them the tools to succeed but how can we do that in a system that fails them. Failure on several levels.

I don't want my daughter to be hated because she is a woman, because of her skin color, who she loves, her spiritual beliefs or political opinions...but I know she will be. I know she will be treated poorly because of any of those reasons. I know that as a people, we have created and nurtured a system that allows that. As an individual, I am furious without knowing where to turn to make real change. I am furious that teens are killed for looking a certain way. I am furious that kindergartners have lost their lives by going to school. I am furious that people use the excuse of politics or religion as a reason for not loving. For not fixing. I am beyond furious that a community of fighters, survivors and lovers are once again finding themselves at the center of another brutally violent attack on their lifestyle. Another best friend, D, posted #itcouldhavebeenme and it made me sob at the realization that there are people who now face the world without their versions of D.

I am so mad and I do not understand why or how someone can hate a stranger or anyone enough to kill. And I don't know how to prevent my child from ever being around any of that hatred.

Love is love is love is love is love is love.

It is my role as a postpartum professional to help people transition into parenthood which is perhaps one of the most challenging and rewarding journeys...and now, incredibly scary journeys. Being a parent is already hard. Having to look into the eyes of my two year old and be taken over by the fear of what she may one day face is a whole other level of difficulty.

I don't want to change my profile picture or create some hashtag. I do want to say to all touched by tragedy in Orlando, at Stanford and all over the world whose lives are shattered because hatred, violence and senseless acts. I stand with you. I grieve with you. I pray for you. I do not forget you. I will not. I am your village and you are not alone.

In preparation for baby, did you wash the clothes? Stock the fridge? Build furniture?

The natural process of nesting involves cleaning and organizing in preparation of the home for baby's arrival. What was done to prepare woman to become mother or man to become father?

I have been reading 'Beyond the Blues' by Dr. Shoshana Bennett and Pec Indman Ed.D., MFT. The book shares a collection of stories from women and their partners who have experienced any sort of postpartum disorder. In one of the first excerpts, a mother commented that she thought she was prepared for baby but in looking back, she realized that the birthing and parenting classes mainly covered breathing and what to pack in the hospital bag.

Perhaps this is some great oversight but I've spoken to many families who say, you can't know until you are in it. Perhaps, we can't truly prepare parents for all night long cry fests, explosive bodily fluids, physical and emotional roller coasters and love like you have never felt before. But if we could...what would you suggest we tell the expectant mother?

Lao Tzu said "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be"

I fell in love with Lao Tzu in college and have found his teachings to speak truth to several different chapters in my life. I even strategically place his quotes in my husband's lunch when I think he needs a little push of support.

The quote above strikes me as important in the transition from person to parent. For years, you are an independent version of yourself. A series of defining and redefining self lyrically colors your life for years until one day you become someone's better half. You then become self in relation to the other half.

What happens when you become a parent? At birth, my daughter did not care about my less than winning athletic history. She was not even a bit concerned with what college I attended. My social status had no bearing on what she needed from me. And yet, my social status changed completely with her arrival.

At first, there was excitement and then the truth that life had changed forever began to set in. My husband and I spent much of her first year sharing our feelings regarding how our identities changed with her presence. At first it was such a struggle until one day, we realized that while we didn't have to let go our identities as individuals, we did need to make space for a new identity. Mom and Dad.

We continue to make space to become what we might be.